because i'm not a crier. last night was like the 3rd time in a week. that's not healthy. i wish my room was clean. i wish it was all organized and beautiful. i wish i can just wave my magic wand and all the stuff i don't want will be gone. but then everything that was resting on those old useless things would fall and break. it would end up like so many things do, with the things you love being broken and the things that you don't being fine. love. hm. new goal has been set. by the end of the year, i want to believe in love. i pretend to be so into it and everything about it but really, i like the idea of it. i have no fucking clue what it is. people say OHYOU'LLKNOW. but then you always just over anticipate it and you miss it or jump on it too soon or god knows what. the only thing worse than saying you're in love when you aren't is being a skeptic about it like me. oscar said last night that his favorite thing about me was my apparent optimism. that's what everyone says and honestly, it makes me nervous, like the minute i'm sad, people won't like me anymore. i do believe i'm an optimist but only if optimists are allowed to be depressed sometimes. if they aren't then, oh well, i guess. all my friends can abandon me and stop loving me or whatever the hell they actually feel about me. i think i am an optimist though because i just realized that even when i'm so depressed and when i'm crying i still pull myself together enough to thank God for what i do have. i'm usually so "please, please, please" about praying instead of "thank you, thank you, thank you" but the past few weeks, the only thing i've "please"ed him for was good judgement for me and those around me. friday night when i was talking to stephen, he asked me about how i've been doing with religion lately. i honestly think that right now i am stronger about it than i have ever been. i haven't opened my bible in about a year and i haven't sat through a sermon since christmas but somehow, i finally started realizing that God's got a grip on my life. that somehow, i will benifit from everything that's getting thrown at me. pretty much no one i know well anymore, besides people i know from church, are religious. it's hard to not try to hide my faith. like, it shouldn't be the kind of thing i'm embarassed about but it's fucking hard. oh well. i feel close to God. it's always been my policy not to shove religion in people's faces. i'm doing okay, i think. I HAD MORE TO SAY ABOUT THE WHOLE CLEANING MY ROOM THING. i think i want to clean my room so bad because that's what i want to happen with my life. i want to be able to just sweep away the bad things and keep what's good. just filter it all out. my room is a pretty good indication of how my life looks right now. messy is a good overall word for it. if you look close though, it's just a bunch of little piles. piles of clothes, piles of books, piles of pillows, piles of water bottles, piles of god knows what. it's organized into little messy compartments. the bad things are blended together with the good things in their own little category. by the end of the week, my room will be nice. i figured out how i want to organize it. by the end of the month, it will all be decorated how i want it. it'll be complete. it'll be roomy. it'll be good. this felt amazing. i need to blog like this more often.
p.s. if you've read this whole way, godblessyou, you are a fantastic person and i am so glad you're in my life =D
p.p.s. little side note for oscar. something for my empty post it on your wall. i don't have a favorite color. i don't want to make the others feel bad. i like them all in small doses. =]
also. you're a good friend. i likehaving you around.
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